Pictures & Words

The thought occurred to me not too long ago that pictures just do not accurately reflect a persons life. I mean, looking through my THOUSANDS of pictures (yes I have thousands of pictures of myself, 95% of them of the digital variety) you would never know my life is in shambles. Ok, well maybe it’s not in shambles, but you would never know that I see a therapist. You would never know that my romantic life is a little topsy turvy. You would never know I struggle to make good decisions. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not as though I am faking per se, it’s just…well…I like looking good in pictures lol. So I’ll be damned if you catch me frowning.

It’s why I generally hate candids (well that and I always end up looking ridiculous). I have seen maybe three pictures of me where I wasn’t the subject of the photo, but you could see me in the background. I look so melancholy!! It’s almost depressing. I cant help but think, OMG do I really walk around with my face looking like that??? Lol. The strange thing is, if you look at the other sets of pictures from the same night I am all smiles. Usually the pictures are when I am out having a blast so it isn’t like I’m upset and trying to hide it. If that makes any sense.

Yeah so you never know what peoples lives are REALLY like based on their pictures.

Facebook Statuses? Yeah, those can be a completely different story. lol

Jaded's view on love

In my mind, love is this thing where choosing between yourself and the person you love, you choose them. Typing that seems like it's unhealthy as hell, so maybe I don't know what love is, but that's what I think it is. It's bad to make love seem so adversarial, as if it's a battle that someone will always win and someone will always loose. But I think that's what it is. Like a scale that starts off even but each time you "give in" to what makes the other person happy it tips the scale to your side. The heavier it gets (the more you do for them) the lower you sink and the higher they go. Eventually you hit the ground and well, there is nowhere else for either person to go. Yeah that's pretty unhealthy.

Ideally you want to be on a scale with someone who never lets the balance tip so far in either persons favor. I think this, in real life, is called compromising.

The thing about being loved is it's easy. It is much easier to be on the receiving end of the love stick, than it is to be serving. Loving someone is kind of hard. It gets annoying, they get annoying. But once you start, it's really kind of difficult to stop.

Some people are really bad...love-ees? Yes, lovees. They take and take because they enjoy the way it feels to be on top ALL the time. And it's sooooooo easy because the love-er will continue to love despite finding themselves sinking so low.

Maybe, the reason why the system works is, if you love yourself, you never let it get that far. If shit gets real bad, you say fuck this, and choose yourself.

Which begs the question, did you ever really love that person?? And this is where I think my theory of love is inherently flawed. By choosing yourself, it seems you're denouncing your love for another. But that can't be right.

I'd like to figure this out once and for all. I feel like this probably isn't something that could be necessarily put in a book and bound but someone must have figured this out. I'm gonna check Amazon later on today. I got a 3 month trial subscription to prime that I should put to use.

almost done

Oh Goodness I am an honest to God slacker! Seriously.

Moving on.

It’s December and 2009 is pretty much done for. So of course I’ve been doing some reflecting. This year has been…fun filled, emotionally draining, eye opening, all over the place. On the one hand, I did quite a bit of traveling: Atlanta, Chicago, New York, Miami, Mexico, Key West and spent a lot of times with my friends. I went to a couple concerts: Beyonce, Ryan Leslie, (impromptu one from Ron Browz…you know, “No wifin’ in the clib gimme $20 lololololol) Jay-z (and the ton of other people who joined him: Swizz Beats, Kid Cudi, Kanye, Rihanna, John Meyer, Mary J. Blige, Diddy, Beyonce-again), plus I’m going to another one this Thursday (ugh…I don’t want to discuss who I’m going to see, lets just say I’m taking my 8 year old nephew and 14 year old niece).

I made a friend. Lost one…two. Managed to keep this job…which is really crazy. I’ve been temping at this place for almost a year now! Nuts.

Started seeing a therapist…coincidently I read on the yahoo home page on Saturday that seeing a psychotherapist is really good for your health, and it’s basically the equivalent of a 42K raise. Shocked the heck outta me.

I’ve become a little more interested in school, for example I am working on a pathfinder and even though it isn’t due until this Sunday (Dec 6th) I’m pretty much done with it. It wasn’t even all that difficult. I’ve missed very little class, I think I’ve only missed once in all 3 of them!

I’ve become a bit more frivolous with money. Spending how I please, when I please and buying what I please…so I haven’t really been saving. BUT I have made a effort to get these stupid ass credit card bills paid. Still, I spend way more than I care to really delve in to.

Summing it, up my year hasn’t been too bad at all.

Have I been happy ? Well. I’m not sure. Part of me thinks no, I haven’t really been happy. But I haven’t been, depressed. I haven’t felt overwhelmingly stressed out… I think I’ve been questioning my emotional health more. Trying to figure out what really makes me…satisfied. This isn’t a fun process, and personally I liked myself better last year. Lol. Sorta like my old self was the really fun drunk at the party. My new self, while likely better off than the drunk is a bit of a drag and…I’ll say it…annoying. I annoy myself lol. Crazy. I question myself constantly and always wonder if I am making the right decisions. Argh!

I do feel more confident (physically) though. Yes, sometimes I look in the mirror and I am horrified by what I see (lololololololol) but for the most part I’m good. I even wear my hair curly now! Which I never used to do (1) because I felt like sideshow bob (from the Simpsons) and (2) I felt like it was too much of a hassle. Now, I actually prefer it to straight a lot of times, I think it makes me look a little hipper (lolol) and I just like it. I like the versatility. I really really do!

I wont kid myself and say IDGAF about what people think of me, I surely do. I try to conduct myself like a (effing) lady (lololololololololol) but I don’t want to spend too much time worrying about what other people will think of me. Seriously.

That said, I have to admit something about myself. I go out. A LOT. I’m like a freaking party animal! Lolololol. So nobody wants to be that girl. You know the one who stays in the club? Welp, I think I might be her. Lol. Do I go out every weekend, nope. Do I go to the same clubs? Nope. But I go out. When and where I feel will be fun. I like getting dressed up. I like dancing totally off beat. Not sure if this makes me a bad person or not, and maybe people think “bad” about me, but whatevs. I have good clean fun.

You know that Leona Lewis song Happy? I adore that song and I find myself listening to it in the morning, I think that’s going to be my theme song for a while. Lol.

Totally unrelated. My sister pissed me the hell off the other day! Grrrrr @ her.

Thanksgiving Videoblog Style...

Video Gone :-)

Happy Thanksgiving Blogworld!

It aint my fault

I’ve been on this responsibility kick lately. No, not "let me save my money and start an IRA" (lol...that would be financially responsible). I mean personal responsibility.

So here is the thing, I feel like I am a nice person, a good friend, I’m loyal to a fault and damn it, I’m tre’s considerate. That said, I also know that I can be fairly petty, I hold grudges, I’m not above creating drama just to make things more interesting, and I tend to be cold and withholding, so there is definitely some ying to my yang (yang to my ying?)

Deep down though, I sometimes feel like my behavior- my bad behavior in particular- is merely a reaction to someone else’s and thus, I am mostly not at fault. In otherwords had you not done this to me, I would not have done that to you. See? Your fault.

Not only is this a delusional way of thinking, I’m pretty sure this is how people who abuse other people think. Scary right? I know.

Truthfully though, this isn’t even about that…because I feel like I am comfortably on my way to understanding that, I determine my actions and reactions, no one can MAKE me act any kind of way.

Simple, but true and it’s something that I never really considered before.

……..Ok, I’m trying to figure out the best way to skirt around what I am really trying to say…
.
.
.
.
.
.
Sometimes we put ourselves in situations, that at best, were unsavory and at worse…well…IDK. Hmmm this is stupid. I’ll just say it.

M & I created a no win situation for ourselves. At first, I thought that the pain that I felt was Karma. You know for the cheating and lying. Now, I realize that based on the relationship that he and I cultivated (like farm crops lol) there was going to be no good outcome. Someone was going to end up hurt. Even if him and I (by some stroke of luck…I almost feel dumb even typing that because in retrospect, it totally wasn’t going to happen…20/20, you are a BITCH. Lol.) did end up together, there were going to be some hurt individuals. The problem is I’m the one who ended up hurt(er)(est?).

That is the personal responsibility that I am talking about. I'm still pissed he made me feel so shitty, because I’m sure a lot of it was done on purpose and I totally blame him for lying. But I can’t blame him for the way things turned out because ultimately, this was a zero-sum game.

I played my part in all this, totally not innocent.

All that said, I am not going to pretend to take responsibility for his nasty-ness. It aint happening and I didn’t deserve that, especially since I wasn’t nasty to him. He is still very much a prick in my eyes and if I see him I will still throw a drink in his face if I have one near me. Lololol.

Anyway, there are a couple other things that I need to take responsibility for and I think that this will be one of my personal growth objectives for the next year.

(for the record "M" was the Heartbreaker)

if i only had a brain...

The movie Wizard of Oz? I was scared of it when I was little. And by little I mean like 9 or 10. So not that little. I only mention it because it's on AMC right now, and even though I'm an adult and feel like there is nothing to be scared of, I still feel anxious about it. It's kinda like, I'm saying to myself, this isnt scary...right? I decided to change the channel. I'm not gonna stress myself out over some damn movie.

I'm pretty sure I've seen the movie in it's entirety, and I half think I watched it in school...maybe the 1st grade (would this movie be appropriate for a 1st grader?)

In my defense I dislike all scary movies and wont watch them, but even I have to admit that it id strange I was (am?) scared of such an innocuous movie.

Everything about that movie creeps me out but there is this one part where I *THINK* there are these flying monkeys and I think they are in a forest? Ugh. Horrible.

in other news I read Push (altho I have the movie promo book cover and it says Precious). It was...good. Obviously, otherwise they wouldnt be making it into a movie. Is my life better because I read it? Nah, it's definetly not worse though. Still not sure if I'll be seeing the movie...i hate walking out of movies feeling like i should go pop myself bec they're so depressing. We'll see.

Try something different.

I usually write my posts when I'm either at work almost exclusively at work. Mostly because I have the time to think pretty much interruption free (that's ironic right?). Tonight I decided to try to write a post at home, to see if maybe I'm more...IDK maybe more insightful since I'm in the comforts of my own home?

I can tell you now it appears I am not. lol.

Seriously though, I find that sometimes when I write at work, I'm feeling either melancholy or bored, and my writing reflects my mood. Sometimes I cannot imagine anyone wanting to read this drivel (lol, what a cool word). So I alternate between going private and keeping it up. Again, it's all rather dramatic and I hate to be so wishy washy.

On an unrelated note, I've been having trouble sleeping through the night. No real trouble falling asleep, I do that just fine (however I take melatonin which helps with that). But recently (like within the past week or so?) I've been having trouble staying asleep. Once, I woke up 3 times during the night...although usually it's a long the lines of one time. Sometimes I wake up because I've had a nightmare, although not in the usual someone is trying to kill me scary dream, but in a something about this shit aint right and I'm scared. Other times I just "wake up". Like it's morning but not. This hasn't really effected (affected?) my day to day business, like I'm no more tired than if I've had a full days rest...but perhaps it'll catch up to me?

I've been having this really really strange reoccurring dream (three times that I can remember). I'm hesitant to say what it's about because its so fucking gross. Let's just say it involves...Okay fuck it, wheres the fun in that? Instead of saying it (because I can be a bit prudish when it comes to things like this...no clue why) I'll tiptoe around it.

Basically I'm in a bathroom and it involves an overflowing toilet filled with...well...you know. I flush and it rises to the top and the water spills overboard and I'm totally disgusted. Fuck. Repulsed. And I don't know what to do. And usually someone comes in, sees the "mess" and they just well...they aren't as concerned about it.

I've had this dream THREE times, each in a different...bathroom? lol. Here is what the dream dictionary says:

Bathroom

To dream that you are in the bathroom, relates to your instinctual urges. You may be experiencing some burdens/feelings and need to "relieve yourself". Alternatively, it may symbolize purification and self-renewal. You need to cleanse yourself, both emotionally and psychologically.
To dream that you are in a public restroom with no stalls, signifies your frustrations about getting enough privacy. It may also indicate that you are having difficulties letting go of old emotions. If you reveal these feelings, you are afraid that others around you will judge and criticize you. If you dream that you are in a bathroom meant for the opposite sex, then it suggests that you are overstepping your boundaries.You have crossed the line in some situation.
To dream that you can not find the bathroom, signifies that you are have difficulties in releasing and expressing your emotions.


Feces
To see or come in contact with feces, signifies aspects of yourself that are dirty and negative and which you believe to be undesirable and repulsive. You need to acknowledge and express these feelings, even though it may be shameful. Release the negativity in your life. Alternatively, it may also refer to someone who is anal retentive.
To dream that you are unable to dispose of the feces, suggests that you are unwilling to let go of your emotions. You have a tendency to hold in and keep your feelings to yourself.
According to Freud, feces is related to possession, pride, shame, money/financial matters, or aggressive acts. So to dream that you are playing with feces, symbolizes your anxiety over money matters and financial security.


Toilet

To see a toilet in your dream, symbolizes a release of emotions or getting rid of something in your life that is useless. The dream may also be brought about by your full bladder and is attempting to get you up and go to the bathroom. If you are cleaning the toilet, then it means that you are starting to shed your shell or lose your inhibitions.
To see a clogged toilet in your dream, signifies that you are holding and keeping your feelings to yourself. Your emotions have been pent up too long and you need to let go of the negative feelings.
To see an overflowing or flooded toilet in your dream, denotes your desires to fully express your emotions


You know what? This is really rather embarrassing. I want to have dreams about unicorns and rainbows. Not shit. Sheesh.

Ok, well I've had enough sharing for the night. Hopefully. I'll get a really good nights sleep!

Not sure

If my memory serves me correctly, the last time I had the feeling of being bored with life, I was hoping that LBF would cheat on me. It must have been in like the Fall of 2006, which doesn’t seem like that long ago, but so much has happened since then that, it seems like ages ago. Anyway, in my mind I picture myself sitting on the bed of my apartment (it hadn’t purchased my house at that point…actually that happened less than a year later), and thinking: I’m bored, I need something to shake up my life. I hope LBF is cheating on me. Outside looking in, this sounds pretty sick because at that point I had no intention of leaving him. I was just unimpressed with life.

Then, I started house hunting and magically I was fine again. But I guess you have to be careful what you wish for because not less than a month after we moved into the house, I found the pictures of the girl on his laptop (so about 8 months after initially hoping for some drama). The thing is, I don’t think I was prepared for how heartbroken I actually was. Frankly, I can’t even invoke those emotions in me if you know what I mean. Thinking back on it doesn’t hurt a bit. So it’s hard to convey how I felt since it doesn’t seem true at all.

Within a couple months after that I met “M” (the tailend of 2007). Had a drama-filled 2008, which sloshed over into 2009.

The emotional well for “M” has pretty much dried up (while I have my moments) I can’t really say that I miss him. At least not with a straight face. Since we’re sharing, I really only long for the interest element he brought to my life. And lets be real, I can get that from any guy.

Now, 2009 is winding down, and I find myself thinking: I wish LBF would leave me already. So I make life a little difficult for him. (But he makes life difficult for me too! He had me waiting in the pouring rain at the airport for like 45 minutes one time.) I’m done cheating on him though. The emotional investment was not worth what I got in return. Plus, it’s pointless (cheating that is).

Here’s my issue. I know that it is quite possible that LBF would leave me, and I know that last time my wish for something to shake things up, came true. I also know I was devastated (if I recall). So really I know that I don’t want him to leave me…unless of course I do. Not sure. But mostly sure I don’t. I guess. *shrugs*

The point is something has happened to me these last four years. I think I’ve lost myself.

In my head everything seems to be…IDK. Complicated. It’s almost like there are tons of doors with those little peep holes. And if I stand on my tippy toes and look out, I can kinda catch a glimpse of whats on the other side. But…not really. Because everyone knows those peep holes are pretty much useless unless what you’re looking at is rightinfrontofyourface. So I spend hours trying to figure out whats on the otherside. Not necessarily because I want to exit, but just because…

I can barely tell right from wrong now-a-days. I find myself making snap judgments, and in the same breath reminding me that, what’s good for me aint good for everyone else.

It’s all really strange. Part of me wonders if I’m doing this to myself, like, am I purposefully making mountains out of mole hills? On the one hand, there is this real part of me that wants to live on a superficial level. Not really thinking too much about anything, and when things get too difficult, I want to shut it off. Though, there’s this other part of me who just can’t live like that. So it just makes me. Stuck. Like I said it’s strange.

Anyway, I had a good weekend, and hope everyone else did too.

Still no answer

From: Jaded
Subject: RE: What's up
To: "Mommadip"
Date: Friday, November 6, 2009, 5:39 AM
Hey! Are you at work today? Crazy about K. Hopefully having a baby will help her have a happier life. Not sure how but I figure there has to be something that makes you realize that you need to make better decisions. But what the hell do I know? I make bad decisions on a daily basis. Tell her to send me a baby shower invite. I’ll try & send her something nice.

Coincidently, the fact that everyone is starting a family is really kind of depressing me.

I’ve been feeling pretty bored with life, although seemingly for no reason because I really do live a pretty active one. I buy what I want; I do as I please, have friends, travel so it isn’t just materialistic things. But it’s really all just boring to me…and really stifling. I figured I ask you because you seem pretty satisfied with your life. Everyone else I ask say that they are bored too, but they seem to be adapting just fine. Maybe I’m being a brat? What do you think?

Did Direcorette email you? She said she would.
Alright holla.
Jade


From: Mommadip [xxxx]
Sent: Friday, November 06, 2009 9:59 AM
To: Jade
Subject: RE: What's up

Any hoo I am pretty satisfied with my life, but keep in pespective that maybe that is because it has been a little challenging lately, or maybe because I got paid today or maybe because my son only woke up one time and spent the entire night in his own bed I got more sleep last night than I have in nine months. Then still it could be because I am finishing up a bible study on the book of Phillipians. A srcipture I'm trying to remember is "I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or want. I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength." Phil 4: 12-13

IDK if that helps, but it is natural for you to feel bored with life if you don't know what your living for. Maybe you do and are just in a downswing, but I'm guessing all of us reach a point where we stop and say ok what is my motivation? Ever read The Purpose Driven Life? Well Jade if you don't know I will gladly remind you, that you have it going on. You are incredibly knowledgable, beautiful, well educated, witty, an author(Soon to publish), soon to be lawyer, and a true friend. I urge you don't go have a baby or get married or make an ungodly purchase because you are bored that is what average people do, you are not average. Take this time to figure out how you have been destined to leave your mark on this world.OK not sure where that came from but do what you will with that.

Next subject no no no Directorette has not emailed me. What is the deal maybe I will call her at work hmmm maybe not. IDK I'm praying hard for her, that might be the best I can do right now.

Sorry for the deepnes wasn't planning on it
Talk to you later
***************************

No closer to an answer but you gotta love her.

*edit to add*
I didnt tell her about wanting the car (from the last post). She doesnt have this blog address. I think it's funny she told me not to make a ungodly purchase because I'm bored. Actually, it's freaking scary. How'd she know?

***ETA*****
I will not be purchasing The Purpose Driven Life. I read the review on Amazon, and I really dont feel like being force fed someones views on Christianity. I will however be looking into some other kind of "Why was I born" kinda books.

....

1. I feel so uninspired. I consider myself to be rather witty…and I love making myself laugh. Yes, myself. Understand, it’s not all that difficult. But lately I’ve got nothing. There are no things that have made me laugh really hard. I haven’t thought of anything even remotely clever. I feel like I’m in some kind of slump.

2. I’m starting to hate facebook:

• People’s stati (plural of status…lol…that was pretty funny) get on my nerves. Like I get it you love the Lord on Sundays. Fabulous. And I totally sympathize with you having haters (I don’t but for the sake of argument). Oh is it time to ‘Rise & Grind” already? Ok. Well let me get on that.


• The friend requests from people who just want to look at pictures. (You think I want to be another notch in you 845 friend list belt? No.)
  


• The endless messages for the next event. OHEMGEE, if I get one more message about your stupid ass party!!!!! Like, seriously, that’s why I always decline invites, because the senders have no sense of…what’s the opposite of not being excessive? They don’t have that.

Everything about it irks me. The thing is, I can’t bring myself to deactivate because (1) I have 32 photo albums which are filled with tagged pictures of other people. They’ll loose all their tagged photos (that would account for 75% of my sis’s photo’s and 65% of GBFF’s. (Hey, what can I say, I’m like the designated picture taker. (2) I like being kept in the loop. How the hell else and I gonna know “so & so is now single” and keep up with birthdays??????? (3) When I go out and take lots of pictures, where will I post them for people to see?

3. My life is actually going well. No drama. No unhappiness. No wondering. Just well. So why the fuck am I so bored? I’m feeling like I need some excitement in my life. Even though I do have some. I mean, I go out with friends often. I shop. I go out to eat. Travel a bit. Work. School. How can I be bored? Am I one of those people who thrive off dramatics???????

4. I miss my grandmother and I’m really sad she wont be able to see me graduate from law school.

5. I have this way to save account with Wachovia. Since September I’ve accumulated about 350 bucks (yes, I swipe my debit card a lot). I’ve decided that for graduation I am going to buy myself a pair of Christian Louboutins. Some classic ones that I can wear for the rest of my life. Maybe these:
I figure, I’m an adult. I need adult shoes. By then (May 10) I should have enough money to pay cash. I told my sister and she was like: Jade, that’s a speedy bag. (I thought this was funny because she said it in the same manner someone would say: Jade, that’s one months rent for some people. Nope for her it’s a hand bag. Lol She’s so materialistic. Lololololol)

6. I want a 3 series BMW. Now. I’ve been trying to convince LBF to put the down payment on it for a graduation present. He’s not really checkin’ on my though. I feel like I need one of these cars. Maybe it’s just consumerism at it’s best? Probably. Truthfully. I can only *kinda* afford it. I say kind of because technically this job is a temporary one, and I plan on leaving when it’s time to prepare for the bar. So technically if I get that car, for graduation, I would have to find a permanent job. Which isn’t the smart thing to do. I HAVE to prepare for the bar. So I’ll have to wait until next August to get one.

7. My nephew is the best. Seriously.

8. How come This year flew by? It’s crazy. 2009 wasn’t a good year, but believe it or not. It was better than 2008. For me anyway.

As promised

I’ve been so flaky with this blog thing. I try to be a woman of my word. You know if I say something I always follow through, but since I’ve turned off my comments, I’m never really sure if people are reading (although that’s not quite true because I get emails sometimes so I know some people are reading sometimes lol). It’s just it’s easy for me to pretend no one is reading when it suits me. Like the other day, I didn’t feel like posting part two when I said I would so I didn’t. Which leads me to this really really short story. I told Sarah that one day this lady made me a pie for my birthday and I hate pie (yes, sweet potato pie too. No I have no clue why I don’t like pie.) Anyway, it was like home made with preservatives and fresh fruit (are preservatives the same thing??? I should google). I think it was cherry, blueberry & peach? Everyone gathered around my desk to share the pie. I took a bite and literally was holding in my gag. It wasn’t nasty per se but it was soooooooo ick. It was sickly sweet and I could feel like the seeds from the blueberrys getting caught between my teeth. I was taking big bites, and basically just swallowing because I wanted to eat it quick. Get it over with. Afterwards I wanted to go into the bathroom and stick my finger down my throat and throw that shit up. Even now I get chills thinking how much I hated it. For real. I was telling this story to Sarah and I told her the reason why I ate the pie was because I didn’t want to hurt my co-workers feelings, she had done something so NICE for me and I asked her what she would have done? And she was like: I look out for myself. If I don’t like something I wont make myself sick to please someone else. (There was more exchange but it’s irrelevant and it turns a short story long.)

Say all this because I’ve been doing the same. If I don’t want to do something, I don’t do it. Hence the broken blog promises. Lol.

I wasn’t going to post my Halloween pictures because who wants to look at those??? But just in case here they are:
*************ALL Photos gone!*********************
This is Friday. I made my Star Trek Costume with LBF’s tee shirt & that iron hemming tape (I don’t have a sewing machine). The black is a head band I cut up. The badge is card board & aluminum foil…I painted the foil with eyshadow and covered it with clear polish to stick. Lol. Martha Stewart meets Macguyvor. Also that weave pony was hard as fuck to put in.

My Sis was a sexy sailor

The rest of the group…a cop & a fire fighter

So here was my Halloween costume. I was….
TA-DA!!
Lady Gaga!!! Lol. I made the hair bow & the disco stick, and the rest was shit that I had. (American Apparel body suit & military jacket)

My sis was a racer girl. (I said she was Mariah Carey from that Loverboy video)

Gbff was RunDMC (lol All three of them)

One group shot

(The garden hoe, the ring leader, sexy racer, snow white & Lady Gaga)

So that was Halloween. As the sexy Ring Leader above (the one with the whip) says: It's the only time of year you can dress like a whore & get away with it. Although truthfully, I didnt think I looked like a whore. They sure did.

Good times...I'll take these down later this week. Enjoy!!

A day late...

Sorry about that. I lost interest in that post. But I feel like I should finish what I started but I cant do paragraphs:

1. After my friend told me she was over PBF, I was skeptical. Because frankly, if it was that easy, in other words if all it took was to ask him if he loved her why didn’t she ask him earlier?? Her response was because it hadn’t crossed her mind…and because before she wasn’t ready for it to be over. It had taken a lot of arguing and back and forth for her to reach the point that she just didn’t want to be bothered. Which begged the question: Well, you didn’t have to ask him at all then. No? I mean if you’re fed up, you’re fed up.

2. Welp, apparently not. She said for some reason she needed to know for sure. So what if he had of said something besides…nothing? That. Lol. Stumped her. But really it didn’t matter because it hadn’t said something. He said nothing. It doesn’t make any sense trying to figure out “what if”. No need to rack her brain for an alternate ending (lol).

3. Since he hasn’t contacted her, how did she know it was really over? That’s a hard question right??? It must have been because she said “Let me think about it.” Lol. When she came back with her response, she said she didn’t know if it was over. That she couldn’t be completely sure that she would never talk to him again. That if he called her she would ignore it.

4. Ha! I said “Then it totally isn’t over at all!!!” But she explained that you really cant be sure in anything in life. And since she isn’t waiting for him to ring her up and she isn’t planning on contacting him, that it is indeed over. She also told me to stop antagonizing her because it was getting on her nerves and bringing her down. Which I totally apologized for.

The end.

Lol. I’m sorry this was so wack. I think it was one of those conversations that was better experienced.

This, coincidently is why I struggle to blog sometimes. Nothing turns out quite the way I want it to!

Happy Halloween people. I plan on having a blast and will post pictures on Monday.

It's a wrap...

***Edit****
When I originally wrote this I had no clue it was going to be this long. I'll finish the rest tomorrow!

A girl friend and I were talking a few weeks ago, she was sharing her experience on how she had decided NOT to participate in any more fuckery with her pseudo-bf.

Most people have a line, a limit, a breaking point when it comes to relationships. It’s that thing…if that thing happens, you know that you literally cannot, like even if you tried, continue the relationship. For some people it is fidelity. For some it’s being lied to. For some it’s feeling that their SO has stopped believing in them. The list goes on and on. Basically, as long as that proverbial line has not been crossed, you will put up with ANY other bullshit.

Let’s take the person who can’t deal with liars. The person they are with knows this, so they don’t lie…but they cheat, and when confronted with the evidence, they tell the truth. See, the liar line has not been crossed and as shitty as that behavior might be, the person who hates liars will likely put up with it because the other person “told the truth”.

Similarly, many times people who say they wouldn’t allow themselves to stay with a cheater, will ignore all the signs, will believe the lies, and will search for the absolute proof (they want to see them on camera, fucking someone else, holding some kinda identification up proving it is INDEED them…I think I got that idea from dave chappell lol.) Until then, they will turn a blind eye.

Anyway, my friend told me that when she first began talking to PBF (pseudo-bf), that she had once asked him what his “deal breaker” was, and he told her, if he found out the person he was with didn’t believe in him. He asked her, and she told him, if she found out the person she was with never loved her.

Fast forward almost two years later. They finally stopped talking, and even though this wasn’t the first time, she was pretty sure that this was her last.

My friend told me that she had dealt with their tumultuous relationship because she believed that he loved her. Why? Because he told her he did. She figured, he didn’t *have* to tell her that. She hadn’t pressured him to say it. She explained: When he first said it, it was in a email. He had said: I *think* I’m in love with you. To her *thinking* it didn’t really count, so she basically ignored it. It wasn’t until he got pissy declaring she didn’t adequately acknowledge his possible love for her, and then giving her a list of reasons why he did indeed love her, that she believed him.

And when things turned sour, and he behaved disgustingly, she continued to believe in him. She said, and I quote:

Threw the blame back and forth
We treated love like a sport
The final blow hit so low
I’m still on the ground.

Ok, she totally didn’t say that, I’m threw this part in because I think it matches lol…it’s the lyrics to Angel’s Cry (Memiors of an Imperfect Angel/ Mariah’s newest CD…I love it BTW). What she actually said was she did her part in playing “chicken” getting into arguments, seeing who would cave first (her usually).
It was really sick.
Even he said she gave it just as hard as he did (which for some reason made her REALLY proud). She said:

We went round for round
‘til we love knocked love out
we were laying in the rain
not making a sound

lol. Just kidding again…it’s Mariah who said that but again it matches (H.A.T.E.U).

Anywhoo, I’m digressing.

They continued to some how co-exist. They were getting on well. She stopped waiting for the next big fight. She began to relax. Then it happened. Now, she wouldn’t go into TOO much detail. (Trust me, I tried to get her tell me verbatim what he said to her so I could publish for you all to read but it was a no-go…boooooo!) What she did say was that he said she wasn’t much more than a small piece in a much larger game…what are those chess pieces called??? Pawns. Yes, That’s it. She was a pawn in his game.
Uh.
Low blow.

So.....she asked him:
Did u ever love me?

His response:


(lol,yeah his response was air...ie he said NOTHING!).

She knew it was over…at least she was over their game. She explained when she asked him, she wasnt trying to use her “deal breaker”. She wasnt trying to put him on the spot.

It just popped out. And once you ask something like that you cant take it back.

Plus she reasoned, she didn’t ask if he loved her now.
She asked if he ever.
He could have said SO many things.
He could have said: I did at one point but now I don’t.
He could have said, I one point I think I did,
Hell he could have said: I don’t know.

But his silence spoke VOLUMES!!! I mean I know there is a right against self incrimination and people aren’t supposed to hold that against you, but for fucks sake it looks pretty bad when you plead the fifth.

She said that since he said nothing, she feels comfortable in concluding that he never did. And she said, she couldn’t in good consciousness deal with him in any capacity. They hadn’t talked since then, he contacted her once to get some housekeeping issues out of the way, but she didn’t respond.

I asked her how did she know it wasn’t just because she was sour about what had transpired (ie the chess game incident). She couldn’t explain it. But she said this time was different. She also said one of the other things he said to her was that she should forget any good feelings she’s ever had for him.

She laughed because, she had BEEN done that.

ps. My title is also from Mariah Carey's new cd.
ps. This post was filled with typos! Sheesh, in real like I'm only 1/2 as stupid as I seem.

So simple.

“You ever lied to someone for their own good? I just did that I don’t feel bad or anything and I didn’t even know I was gonna do it until the lie came out my mouth.” (my facebook status)

All of a sudden everything became clearer. Remember this post about my friend?
Well here is a little email back and forth between us:

From: Jaded [mailto:xxxx]
Sent: Tuesday, October 27, 2009 7:42 AM
To: My friend
Subject:

Whatup? I coulda sworn I emailed you yesterday but clearly I did not. Lol. What the biz???


From: My friend [mailto:XXXXX]
Sent: Tuesday, October 27, 2009 9:35 AM
To: Jaded
Subject: RE:

Um no u didn’t…but anyway. Nothing much. Still job hunting.

From: Jaded
[mailto:xxxxx]
Sent: Tuesday, October 27, 2009 9:38 AM
To: My friend
Subject: RE:

Good. I talked to Mommadip last week and she loves her job. I’m thrilled for her. Now you just have to find something you love everyone will be happy and then things will be great.

Ps. Did you hear about that ESPN guy and the assistant??? *DEAD* lmao. She told him wife. She wrong for that. Also funny is the fact the he got fired and so did she.
http://www.courant.com/sports/baseball/hc-phillips1027.artoct27,0,12945.story

From: My Friend [mailto:xxxxx]
Sent: Tuesday, October 27, 2009 2:51 PM
To: Jaded
Subject: RE:

Im still sad tho…he wont answer my texts or phone calls…

HERE COMES THE LIE:

From: Jaded [XXXX]
Sent: Tuesday, October 27, 2009 2:02 PM
To: My friend
Subject: RE:

Good. I told him not to or I’d tell his wife.

That's it. So here's the thing. She asked me over and over if I was lying. Sometimes I told the truth (I DID NOT CONTACT THAT MAN!!!) But sometimes I lied. See:

From: Jaded [mailto:xxxx]
Sent: Tuesday, October 27, 2009 2:09 PM
To: My friend
Subject: RE:

If your mad at me, then yes, I am lying. So no need to be angry. Don’t want another A & K fall out. (these are mutual friends)

Sometimes I told the truth again:

From: My Friend [mailto:XXXXX]
Sent: Tuesday, October 27, 2009 3:13 PM
To: Jaded
Subject: RE:

Damn it jade…did you contact him or not?


From: Jaded [mailto:XXXXX]
Sent: Tuesday, October 27, 2009 2:15 PM
To: My friend
Subject: RE:

Nope.

I know this all seems mean but there is a method to my madness.
First, I dont want her to be sad this douchebag isn't answering her calls. I fucking abhor him. So me lying and saying I'm the reason he isn't talking to her makes her feel better! (at least thats what I'm telling myself).

Second, I assume she'll cut the bullshit and stop calling this man if she knows that he REALLY isn't going to answer.

Anyway, this will probably all blow up in my face. But there is an excellent chance that I will tell on that man before the year is up. Until now, we'll just pretend I did.

I feel like I should feel a lot badder about butting in like this but...oddly...I don't.

Let Go....

It appears I don’t really want to blog, I mean I do want to blog but a lot of the thoughts that I have aren’t organized enough for me to put together a post that I feel will convey what I am trying to say. I have some half finished drafts but, IDK. I know that I wont publish them.

I have been doing some thinking. Trying to get figure out who I am.

You know people who have a REALLY REALLY strong faith in God? I admire them. I like God, I swear, I do. I’m not even trying to be blasphemous. I pray every night. But that isn’t the same as those who put their COMPLETE faith in God. Not religious zealots. I’m talking about seemingly normal people who are just really in touch with the Lord.

I admire them because when they say things like: “leave it in God’s hands” and things like that I think to myself. Wow. If only I could have that much faith. I mean I could say something like that but I just can’t quite get myself to let go of something so much that I literally don’t let it affect me any more.

And don’t get me wrong there are some verses, scriptures, psalms (whatever you want to call them) that I do actually believe. But not because they come from the bible, more because they just have a ring of truth.

When my church friends would talk about the bible I always felt so lost, as in, dang it, I wish I knew what they were talking about. I told myself, Jade, you need to read the bible, so that you can at least carry a conversation about Godly things.

But truthfully, I think I just wanted to read it so that I could dispute the things they said more comfortably. That’s pretty horrible right?

I’m Catholic. Have I said that before? Well I am. And like a lot of Catholics, I carry around guilt….I have no clue why. I mean, I don’t even remember Sunday school. I had my First Communion and never went back…for Communion that is. My first and last confession. I think even when I was like 10, the concept of saying a couple of Our Fathers & Hail Marys to absolve my sins seemed a little foreign to me, granted my sins weren’t that bad (but I heard a sin is a sin is a sin), still, is that all it takes?

How is that possible? How could I have been so skeptical at 10???????

Where was I? Oh, yes my admiration for religious people. As a whole, they seem so much happier. Almost obliviously happy.

I’ve said I was blessed. Because lucky isn’t really true. I’ve had to work for some of the things I’ve procured. But I feel like a lot of times “blessed” is used in a way that sounds unblessingly…if that makes sense and is even a word.

If I say I’m blessed to have a job. (I’ve said this and I’ve heard other people say this about themselves)
Is my little brother unblessed because he doesn’t?
What did I do to deserve that blessing?
What didn’t he do to not deserve it?

How are blessings rationed out? Do you get a certain allotment depending on...I don’t know…I don’t know the blessing process seems unfair to me.

All that said, I do think that there ARE some true blessings. For example, I do think life is a blessing. I can’t explain why, it just seems something makes it so, although in that same breath let me say I am pro-choice. So take what you want out of that. I also believe in prayer. Again, not all prayers will be answered but I do feel like praying is important.

I think this is why I would be an awful candidate for an occult. I just wont believe something because you tell me a higher power wants me to.

My friend Momma dip (who’s really quite religious) once told me something about surrendering yourself to God. And how you have to do it completely. (I think she said that). I’ve realized more and more, that I don’t want to. I don’t want to live my life the way God wants me to. I just want to live my life the way I want to. And hopefully that meshes well enough to get me into those pearly gates. I think that’s were the guilt comes from. I don’t want to make God mad (I hear he’s really quite vengeful)…

I feel like I’m crossing the line with this post; I don’t want to sound like a non-believer, or a skeptic. I’m just trying to reconcile things that I believe with things that I should believe.

Don’t send me hate messages.