Try something different.

I usually write my posts when I'm either at work almost exclusively at work. Mostly because I have the time to think pretty much interruption free (that's ironic right?). Tonight I decided to try to write a post at home, to see if maybe I'm more...IDK maybe more insightful since I'm in the comforts of my own home?

I can tell you now it appears I am not. lol.

Seriously though, I find that sometimes when I write at work, I'm feeling either melancholy or bored, and my writing reflects my mood. Sometimes I cannot imagine anyone wanting to read this drivel (lol, what a cool word). So I alternate between going private and keeping it up. Again, it's all rather dramatic and I hate to be so wishy washy.

On an unrelated note, I've been having trouble sleeping through the night. No real trouble falling asleep, I do that just fine (however I take melatonin which helps with that). But recently (like within the past week or so?) I've been having trouble staying asleep. Once, I woke up 3 times during the night...although usually it's a long the lines of one time. Sometimes I wake up because I've had a nightmare, although not in the usual someone is trying to kill me scary dream, but in a something about this shit aint right and I'm scared. Other times I just "wake up". Like it's morning but not. This hasn't really effected (affected?) my day to day business, like I'm no more tired than if I've had a full days rest...but perhaps it'll catch up to me?

I've been having this really really strange reoccurring dream (three times that I can remember). I'm hesitant to say what it's about because its so fucking gross. Let's just say it involves...Okay fuck it, wheres the fun in that? Instead of saying it (because I can be a bit prudish when it comes to things like this...no clue why) I'll tiptoe around it.

Basically I'm in a bathroom and it involves an overflowing toilet filled with...well...you know. I flush and it rises to the top and the water spills overboard and I'm totally disgusted. Fuck. Repulsed. And I don't know what to do. And usually someone comes in, sees the "mess" and they just well...they aren't as concerned about it.

I've had this dream THREE times, each in a different...bathroom? lol. Here is what the dream dictionary says:

Bathroom

To dream that you are in the bathroom, relates to your instinctual urges. You may be experiencing some burdens/feelings and need to "relieve yourself". Alternatively, it may symbolize purification and self-renewal. You need to cleanse yourself, both emotionally and psychologically.
To dream that you are in a public restroom with no stalls, signifies your frustrations about getting enough privacy. It may also indicate that you are having difficulties letting go of old emotions. If you reveal these feelings, you are afraid that others around you will judge and criticize you. If you dream that you are in a bathroom meant for the opposite sex, then it suggests that you are overstepping your boundaries.You have crossed the line in some situation.
To dream that you can not find the bathroom, signifies that you are have difficulties in releasing and expressing your emotions.


Feces
To see or come in contact with feces, signifies aspects of yourself that are dirty and negative and which you believe to be undesirable and repulsive. You need to acknowledge and express these feelings, even though it may be shameful. Release the negativity in your life. Alternatively, it may also refer to someone who is anal retentive.
To dream that you are unable to dispose of the feces, suggests that you are unwilling to let go of your emotions. You have a tendency to hold in and keep your feelings to yourself.
According to Freud, feces is related to possession, pride, shame, money/financial matters, or aggressive acts. So to dream that you are playing with feces, symbolizes your anxiety over money matters and financial security.


Toilet

To see a toilet in your dream, symbolizes a release of emotions or getting rid of something in your life that is useless. The dream may also be brought about by your full bladder and is attempting to get you up and go to the bathroom. If you are cleaning the toilet, then it means that you are starting to shed your shell or lose your inhibitions.
To see a clogged toilet in your dream, signifies that you are holding and keeping your feelings to yourself. Your emotions have been pent up too long and you need to let go of the negative feelings.
To see an overflowing or flooded toilet in your dream, denotes your desires to fully express your emotions


You know what? This is really rather embarrassing. I want to have dreams about unicorns and rainbows. Not shit. Sheesh.

Ok, well I've had enough sharing for the night. Hopefully. I'll get a really good nights sleep!

Not sure

If my memory serves me correctly, the last time I had the feeling of being bored with life, I was hoping that LBF would cheat on me. It must have been in like the Fall of 2006, which doesn’t seem like that long ago, but so much has happened since then that, it seems like ages ago. Anyway, in my mind I picture myself sitting on the bed of my apartment (it hadn’t purchased my house at that point…actually that happened less than a year later), and thinking: I’m bored, I need something to shake up my life. I hope LBF is cheating on me. Outside looking in, this sounds pretty sick because at that point I had no intention of leaving him. I was just unimpressed with life.

Then, I started house hunting and magically I was fine again. But I guess you have to be careful what you wish for because not less than a month after we moved into the house, I found the pictures of the girl on his laptop (so about 8 months after initially hoping for some drama). The thing is, I don’t think I was prepared for how heartbroken I actually was. Frankly, I can’t even invoke those emotions in me if you know what I mean. Thinking back on it doesn’t hurt a bit. So it’s hard to convey how I felt since it doesn’t seem true at all.

Within a couple months after that I met “M” (the tailend of 2007). Had a drama-filled 2008, which sloshed over into 2009.

The emotional well for “M” has pretty much dried up (while I have my moments) I can’t really say that I miss him. At least not with a straight face. Since we’re sharing, I really only long for the interest element he brought to my life. And lets be real, I can get that from any guy.

Now, 2009 is winding down, and I find myself thinking: I wish LBF would leave me already. So I make life a little difficult for him. (But he makes life difficult for me too! He had me waiting in the pouring rain at the airport for like 45 minutes one time.) I’m done cheating on him though. The emotional investment was not worth what I got in return. Plus, it’s pointless (cheating that is).

Here’s my issue. I know that it is quite possible that LBF would leave me, and I know that last time my wish for something to shake things up, came true. I also know I was devastated (if I recall). So really I know that I don’t want him to leave me…unless of course I do. Not sure. But mostly sure I don’t. I guess. *shrugs*

The point is something has happened to me these last four years. I think I’ve lost myself.

In my head everything seems to be…IDK. Complicated. It’s almost like there are tons of doors with those little peep holes. And if I stand on my tippy toes and look out, I can kinda catch a glimpse of whats on the other side. But…not really. Because everyone knows those peep holes are pretty much useless unless what you’re looking at is rightinfrontofyourface. So I spend hours trying to figure out whats on the otherside. Not necessarily because I want to exit, but just because…

I can barely tell right from wrong now-a-days. I find myself making snap judgments, and in the same breath reminding me that, what’s good for me aint good for everyone else.

It’s all really strange. Part of me wonders if I’m doing this to myself, like, am I purposefully making mountains out of mole hills? On the one hand, there is this real part of me that wants to live on a superficial level. Not really thinking too much about anything, and when things get too difficult, I want to shut it off. Though, there’s this other part of me who just can’t live like that. So it just makes me. Stuck. Like I said it’s strange.

Anyway, I had a good weekend, and hope everyone else did too.

Still no answer

From: Jaded
Subject: RE: What's up
To: "Mommadip"
Date: Friday, November 6, 2009, 5:39 AM
Hey! Are you at work today? Crazy about K. Hopefully having a baby will help her have a happier life. Not sure how but I figure there has to be something that makes you realize that you need to make better decisions. But what the hell do I know? I make bad decisions on a daily basis. Tell her to send me a baby shower invite. I’ll try & send her something nice.

Coincidently, the fact that everyone is starting a family is really kind of depressing me.

I’ve been feeling pretty bored with life, although seemingly for no reason because I really do live a pretty active one. I buy what I want; I do as I please, have friends, travel so it isn’t just materialistic things. But it’s really all just boring to me…and really stifling. I figured I ask you because you seem pretty satisfied with your life. Everyone else I ask say that they are bored too, but they seem to be adapting just fine. Maybe I’m being a brat? What do you think?

Did Direcorette email you? She said she would.
Alright holla.
Jade


From: Mommadip [xxxx]
Sent: Friday, November 06, 2009 9:59 AM
To: Jade
Subject: RE: What's up

Any hoo I am pretty satisfied with my life, but keep in pespective that maybe that is because it has been a little challenging lately, or maybe because I got paid today or maybe because my son only woke up one time and spent the entire night in his own bed I got more sleep last night than I have in nine months. Then still it could be because I am finishing up a bible study on the book of Phillipians. A srcipture I'm trying to remember is "I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or want. I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength." Phil 4: 12-13

IDK if that helps, but it is natural for you to feel bored with life if you don't know what your living for. Maybe you do and are just in a downswing, but I'm guessing all of us reach a point where we stop and say ok what is my motivation? Ever read The Purpose Driven Life? Well Jade if you don't know I will gladly remind you, that you have it going on. You are incredibly knowledgable, beautiful, well educated, witty, an author(Soon to publish), soon to be lawyer, and a true friend. I urge you don't go have a baby or get married or make an ungodly purchase because you are bored that is what average people do, you are not average. Take this time to figure out how you have been destined to leave your mark on this world.OK not sure where that came from but do what you will with that.

Next subject no no no Directorette has not emailed me. What is the deal maybe I will call her at work hmmm maybe not. IDK I'm praying hard for her, that might be the best I can do right now.

Sorry for the deepnes wasn't planning on it
Talk to you later
***************************

No closer to an answer but you gotta love her.

*edit to add*
I didnt tell her about wanting the car (from the last post). She doesnt have this blog address. I think it's funny she told me not to make a ungodly purchase because I'm bored. Actually, it's freaking scary. How'd she know?

***ETA*****
I will not be purchasing The Purpose Driven Life. I read the review on Amazon, and I really dont feel like being force fed someones views on Christianity. I will however be looking into some other kind of "Why was I born" kinda books.

....

1. I feel so uninspired. I consider myself to be rather witty…and I love making myself laugh. Yes, myself. Understand, it’s not all that difficult. But lately I’ve got nothing. There are no things that have made me laugh really hard. I haven’t thought of anything even remotely clever. I feel like I’m in some kind of slump.

2. I’m starting to hate facebook:

• People’s stati (plural of status…lol…that was pretty funny) get on my nerves. Like I get it you love the Lord on Sundays. Fabulous. And I totally sympathize with you having haters (I don’t but for the sake of argument). Oh is it time to ‘Rise & Grind” already? Ok. Well let me get on that.


• The friend requests from people who just want to look at pictures. (You think I want to be another notch in you 845 friend list belt? No.)
  


• The endless messages for the next event. OHEMGEE, if I get one more message about your stupid ass party!!!!! Like, seriously, that’s why I always decline invites, because the senders have no sense of…what’s the opposite of not being excessive? They don’t have that.

Everything about it irks me. The thing is, I can’t bring myself to deactivate because (1) I have 32 photo albums which are filled with tagged pictures of other people. They’ll loose all their tagged photos (that would account for 75% of my sis’s photo’s and 65% of GBFF’s. (Hey, what can I say, I’m like the designated picture taker. (2) I like being kept in the loop. How the hell else and I gonna know “so & so is now single” and keep up with birthdays??????? (3) When I go out and take lots of pictures, where will I post them for people to see?

3. My life is actually going well. No drama. No unhappiness. No wondering. Just well. So why the fuck am I so bored? I’m feeling like I need some excitement in my life. Even though I do have some. I mean, I go out with friends often. I shop. I go out to eat. Travel a bit. Work. School. How can I be bored? Am I one of those people who thrive off dramatics???????

4. I miss my grandmother and I’m really sad she wont be able to see me graduate from law school.

5. I have this way to save account with Wachovia. Since September I’ve accumulated about 350 bucks (yes, I swipe my debit card a lot). I’ve decided that for graduation I am going to buy myself a pair of Christian Louboutins. Some classic ones that I can wear for the rest of my life. Maybe these:
I figure, I’m an adult. I need adult shoes. By then (May 10) I should have enough money to pay cash. I told my sister and she was like: Jade, that’s a speedy bag. (I thought this was funny because she said it in the same manner someone would say: Jade, that’s one months rent for some people. Nope for her it’s a hand bag. Lol She’s so materialistic. Lololololol)

6. I want a 3 series BMW. Now. I’ve been trying to convince LBF to put the down payment on it for a graduation present. He’s not really checkin’ on my though. I feel like I need one of these cars. Maybe it’s just consumerism at it’s best? Probably. Truthfully. I can only *kinda* afford it. I say kind of because technically this job is a temporary one, and I plan on leaving when it’s time to prepare for the bar. So technically if I get that car, for graduation, I would have to find a permanent job. Which isn’t the smart thing to do. I HAVE to prepare for the bar. So I’ll have to wait until next August to get one.

7. My nephew is the best. Seriously.

8. How come This year flew by? It’s crazy. 2009 wasn’t a good year, but believe it or not. It was better than 2008. For me anyway.

As promised

I’ve been so flaky with this blog thing. I try to be a woman of my word. You know if I say something I always follow through, but since I’ve turned off my comments, I’m never really sure if people are reading (although that’s not quite true because I get emails sometimes so I know some people are reading sometimes lol). It’s just it’s easy for me to pretend no one is reading when it suits me. Like the other day, I didn’t feel like posting part two when I said I would so I didn’t. Which leads me to this really really short story. I told Sarah that one day this lady made me a pie for my birthday and I hate pie (yes, sweet potato pie too. No I have no clue why I don’t like pie.) Anyway, it was like home made with preservatives and fresh fruit (are preservatives the same thing??? I should google). I think it was cherry, blueberry & peach? Everyone gathered around my desk to share the pie. I took a bite and literally was holding in my gag. It wasn’t nasty per se but it was soooooooo ick. It was sickly sweet and I could feel like the seeds from the blueberrys getting caught between my teeth. I was taking big bites, and basically just swallowing because I wanted to eat it quick. Get it over with. Afterwards I wanted to go into the bathroom and stick my finger down my throat and throw that shit up. Even now I get chills thinking how much I hated it. For real. I was telling this story to Sarah and I told her the reason why I ate the pie was because I didn’t want to hurt my co-workers feelings, she had done something so NICE for me and I asked her what she would have done? And she was like: I look out for myself. If I don’t like something I wont make myself sick to please someone else. (There was more exchange but it’s irrelevant and it turns a short story long.)

Say all this because I’ve been doing the same. If I don’t want to do something, I don’t do it. Hence the broken blog promises. Lol.

I wasn’t going to post my Halloween pictures because who wants to look at those??? But just in case here they are:
*************ALL Photos gone!*********************
This is Friday. I made my Star Trek Costume with LBF’s tee shirt & that iron hemming tape (I don’t have a sewing machine). The black is a head band I cut up. The badge is card board & aluminum foil…I painted the foil with eyshadow and covered it with clear polish to stick. Lol. Martha Stewart meets Macguyvor. Also that weave pony was hard as fuck to put in.

My Sis was a sexy sailor

The rest of the group…a cop & a fire fighter

So here was my Halloween costume. I was….
TA-DA!!
Lady Gaga!!! Lol. I made the hair bow & the disco stick, and the rest was shit that I had. (American Apparel body suit & military jacket)

My sis was a racer girl. (I said she was Mariah Carey from that Loverboy video)

Gbff was RunDMC (lol All three of them)

One group shot

(The garden hoe, the ring leader, sexy racer, snow white & Lady Gaga)

So that was Halloween. As the sexy Ring Leader above (the one with the whip) says: It's the only time of year you can dress like a whore & get away with it. Although truthfully, I didnt think I looked like a whore. They sure did.

Good times...I'll take these down later this week. Enjoy!!

A day late...

Sorry about that. I lost interest in that post. But I feel like I should finish what I started but I cant do paragraphs:

1. After my friend told me she was over PBF, I was skeptical. Because frankly, if it was that easy, in other words if all it took was to ask him if he loved her why didn’t she ask him earlier?? Her response was because it hadn’t crossed her mind…and because before she wasn’t ready for it to be over. It had taken a lot of arguing and back and forth for her to reach the point that she just didn’t want to be bothered. Which begged the question: Well, you didn’t have to ask him at all then. No? I mean if you’re fed up, you’re fed up.

2. Welp, apparently not. She said for some reason she needed to know for sure. So what if he had of said something besides…nothing? That. Lol. Stumped her. But really it didn’t matter because it hadn’t said something. He said nothing. It doesn’t make any sense trying to figure out “what if”. No need to rack her brain for an alternate ending (lol).

3. Since he hasn’t contacted her, how did she know it was really over? That’s a hard question right??? It must have been because she said “Let me think about it.” Lol. When she came back with her response, she said she didn’t know if it was over. That she couldn’t be completely sure that she would never talk to him again. That if he called her she would ignore it.

4. Ha! I said “Then it totally isn’t over at all!!!” But she explained that you really cant be sure in anything in life. And since she isn’t waiting for him to ring her up and she isn’t planning on contacting him, that it is indeed over. She also told me to stop antagonizing her because it was getting on her nerves and bringing her down. Which I totally apologized for.

The end.

Lol. I’m sorry this was so wack. I think it was one of those conversations that was better experienced.

This, coincidently is why I struggle to blog sometimes. Nothing turns out quite the way I want it to!

Happy Halloween people. I plan on having a blast and will post pictures on Monday.

It's a wrap...

***Edit****
When I originally wrote this I had no clue it was going to be this long. I'll finish the rest tomorrow!

A girl friend and I were talking a few weeks ago, she was sharing her experience on how she had decided NOT to participate in any more fuckery with her pseudo-bf.

Most people have a line, a limit, a breaking point when it comes to relationships. It’s that thing…if that thing happens, you know that you literally cannot, like even if you tried, continue the relationship. For some people it is fidelity. For some it’s being lied to. For some it’s feeling that their SO has stopped believing in them. The list goes on and on. Basically, as long as that proverbial line has not been crossed, you will put up with ANY other bullshit.

Let’s take the person who can’t deal with liars. The person they are with knows this, so they don’t lie…but they cheat, and when confronted with the evidence, they tell the truth. See, the liar line has not been crossed and as shitty as that behavior might be, the person who hates liars will likely put up with it because the other person “told the truth”.

Similarly, many times people who say they wouldn’t allow themselves to stay with a cheater, will ignore all the signs, will believe the lies, and will search for the absolute proof (they want to see them on camera, fucking someone else, holding some kinda identification up proving it is INDEED them…I think I got that idea from dave chappell lol.) Until then, they will turn a blind eye.

Anyway, my friend told me that when she first began talking to PBF (pseudo-bf), that she had once asked him what his “deal breaker” was, and he told her, if he found out the person he was with didn’t believe in him. He asked her, and she told him, if she found out the person she was with never loved her.

Fast forward almost two years later. They finally stopped talking, and even though this wasn’t the first time, she was pretty sure that this was her last.

My friend told me that she had dealt with their tumultuous relationship because she believed that he loved her. Why? Because he told her he did. She figured, he didn’t *have* to tell her that. She hadn’t pressured him to say it. She explained: When he first said it, it was in a email. He had said: I *think* I’m in love with you. To her *thinking* it didn’t really count, so she basically ignored it. It wasn’t until he got pissy declaring she didn’t adequately acknowledge his possible love for her, and then giving her a list of reasons why he did indeed love her, that she believed him.

And when things turned sour, and he behaved disgustingly, she continued to believe in him. She said, and I quote:

Threw the blame back and forth
We treated love like a sport
The final blow hit so low
I’m still on the ground.

Ok, she totally didn’t say that, I’m threw this part in because I think it matches lol…it’s the lyrics to Angel’s Cry (Memiors of an Imperfect Angel/ Mariah’s newest CD…I love it BTW). What she actually said was she did her part in playing “chicken” getting into arguments, seeing who would cave first (her usually).
It was really sick.
Even he said she gave it just as hard as he did (which for some reason made her REALLY proud). She said:

We went round for round
‘til we love knocked love out
we were laying in the rain
not making a sound

lol. Just kidding again…it’s Mariah who said that but again it matches (H.A.T.E.U).

Anywhoo, I’m digressing.

They continued to some how co-exist. They were getting on well. She stopped waiting for the next big fight. She began to relax. Then it happened. Now, she wouldn’t go into TOO much detail. (Trust me, I tried to get her tell me verbatim what he said to her so I could publish for you all to read but it was a no-go…boooooo!) What she did say was that he said she wasn’t much more than a small piece in a much larger game…what are those chess pieces called??? Pawns. Yes, That’s it. She was a pawn in his game.
Uh.
Low blow.

So.....she asked him:
Did u ever love me?

His response:


(lol,yeah his response was air...ie he said NOTHING!).

She knew it was over…at least she was over their game. She explained when she asked him, she wasnt trying to use her “deal breaker”. She wasnt trying to put him on the spot.

It just popped out. And once you ask something like that you cant take it back.

Plus she reasoned, she didn’t ask if he loved her now.
She asked if he ever.
He could have said SO many things.
He could have said: I did at one point but now I don’t.
He could have said, I one point I think I did,
Hell he could have said: I don’t know.

But his silence spoke VOLUMES!!! I mean I know there is a right against self incrimination and people aren’t supposed to hold that against you, but for fucks sake it looks pretty bad when you plead the fifth.

She said that since he said nothing, she feels comfortable in concluding that he never did. And she said, she couldn’t in good consciousness deal with him in any capacity. They hadn’t talked since then, he contacted her once to get some housekeeping issues out of the way, but she didn’t respond.

I asked her how did she know it wasn’t just because she was sour about what had transpired (ie the chess game incident). She couldn’t explain it. But she said this time was different. She also said one of the other things he said to her was that she should forget any good feelings she’s ever had for him.

She laughed because, she had BEEN done that.

ps. My title is also from Mariah Carey's new cd.
ps. This post was filled with typos! Sheesh, in real like I'm only 1/2 as stupid as I seem.

So simple.

“You ever lied to someone for their own good? I just did that I don’t feel bad or anything and I didn’t even know I was gonna do it until the lie came out my mouth.” (my facebook status)

All of a sudden everything became clearer. Remember this post about my friend?
Well here is a little email back and forth between us:

From: Jaded [mailto:xxxx]
Sent: Tuesday, October 27, 2009 7:42 AM
To: My friend
Subject:

Whatup? I coulda sworn I emailed you yesterday but clearly I did not. Lol. What the biz???


From: My friend [mailto:XXXXX]
Sent: Tuesday, October 27, 2009 9:35 AM
To: Jaded
Subject: RE:

Um no u didn’t…but anyway. Nothing much. Still job hunting.

From: Jaded
[mailto:xxxxx]
Sent: Tuesday, October 27, 2009 9:38 AM
To: My friend
Subject: RE:

Good. I talked to Mommadip last week and she loves her job. I’m thrilled for her. Now you just have to find something you love everyone will be happy and then things will be great.

Ps. Did you hear about that ESPN guy and the assistant??? *DEAD* lmao. She told him wife. She wrong for that. Also funny is the fact the he got fired and so did she.
http://www.courant.com/sports/baseball/hc-phillips1027.artoct27,0,12945.story

From: My Friend [mailto:xxxxx]
Sent: Tuesday, October 27, 2009 2:51 PM
To: Jaded
Subject: RE:

Im still sad tho…he wont answer my texts or phone calls…

HERE COMES THE LIE:

From: Jaded [XXXX]
Sent: Tuesday, October 27, 2009 2:02 PM
To: My friend
Subject: RE:

Good. I told him not to or I’d tell his wife.

That's it. So here's the thing. She asked me over and over if I was lying. Sometimes I told the truth (I DID NOT CONTACT THAT MAN!!!) But sometimes I lied. See:

From: Jaded [mailto:xxxx]
Sent: Tuesday, October 27, 2009 2:09 PM
To: My friend
Subject: RE:

If your mad at me, then yes, I am lying. So no need to be angry. Don’t want another A & K fall out. (these are mutual friends)

Sometimes I told the truth again:

From: My Friend [mailto:XXXXX]
Sent: Tuesday, October 27, 2009 3:13 PM
To: Jaded
Subject: RE:

Damn it jade…did you contact him or not?


From: Jaded [mailto:XXXXX]
Sent: Tuesday, October 27, 2009 2:15 PM
To: My friend
Subject: RE:

Nope.

I know this all seems mean but there is a method to my madness.
First, I dont want her to be sad this douchebag isn't answering her calls. I fucking abhor him. So me lying and saying I'm the reason he isn't talking to her makes her feel better! (at least thats what I'm telling myself).

Second, I assume she'll cut the bullshit and stop calling this man if she knows that he REALLY isn't going to answer.

Anyway, this will probably all blow up in my face. But there is an excellent chance that I will tell on that man before the year is up. Until now, we'll just pretend I did.

I feel like I should feel a lot badder about butting in like this but...oddly...I don't.

Let Go....

It appears I don’t really want to blog, I mean I do want to blog but a lot of the thoughts that I have aren’t organized enough for me to put together a post that I feel will convey what I am trying to say. I have some half finished drafts but, IDK. I know that I wont publish them.

I have been doing some thinking. Trying to get figure out who I am.

You know people who have a REALLY REALLY strong faith in God? I admire them. I like God, I swear, I do. I’m not even trying to be blasphemous. I pray every night. But that isn’t the same as those who put their COMPLETE faith in God. Not religious zealots. I’m talking about seemingly normal people who are just really in touch with the Lord.

I admire them because when they say things like: “leave it in God’s hands” and things like that I think to myself. Wow. If only I could have that much faith. I mean I could say something like that but I just can’t quite get myself to let go of something so much that I literally don’t let it affect me any more.

And don’t get me wrong there are some verses, scriptures, psalms (whatever you want to call them) that I do actually believe. But not because they come from the bible, more because they just have a ring of truth.

When my church friends would talk about the bible I always felt so lost, as in, dang it, I wish I knew what they were talking about. I told myself, Jade, you need to read the bible, so that you can at least carry a conversation about Godly things.

But truthfully, I think I just wanted to read it so that I could dispute the things they said more comfortably. That’s pretty horrible right?

I’m Catholic. Have I said that before? Well I am. And like a lot of Catholics, I carry around guilt….I have no clue why. I mean, I don’t even remember Sunday school. I had my First Communion and never went back…for Communion that is. My first and last confession. I think even when I was like 10, the concept of saying a couple of Our Fathers & Hail Marys to absolve my sins seemed a little foreign to me, granted my sins weren’t that bad (but I heard a sin is a sin is a sin), still, is that all it takes?

How is that possible? How could I have been so skeptical at 10???????

Where was I? Oh, yes my admiration for religious people. As a whole, they seem so much happier. Almost obliviously happy.

I’ve said I was blessed. Because lucky isn’t really true. I’ve had to work for some of the things I’ve procured. But I feel like a lot of times “blessed” is used in a way that sounds unblessingly…if that makes sense and is even a word.

If I say I’m blessed to have a job. (I’ve said this and I’ve heard other people say this about themselves)
Is my little brother unblessed because he doesn’t?
What did I do to deserve that blessing?
What didn’t he do to not deserve it?

How are blessings rationed out? Do you get a certain allotment depending on...I don’t know…I don’t know the blessing process seems unfair to me.

All that said, I do think that there ARE some true blessings. For example, I do think life is a blessing. I can’t explain why, it just seems something makes it so, although in that same breath let me say I am pro-choice. So take what you want out of that. I also believe in prayer. Again, not all prayers will be answered but I do feel like praying is important.

I think this is why I would be an awful candidate for an occult. I just wont believe something because you tell me a higher power wants me to.

My friend Momma dip (who’s really quite religious) once told me something about surrendering yourself to God. And how you have to do it completely. (I think she said that). I’ve realized more and more, that I don’t want to. I don’t want to live my life the way God wants me to. I just want to live my life the way I want to. And hopefully that meshes well enough to get me into those pearly gates. I think that’s were the guilt comes from. I don’t want to make God mad (I hear he’s really quite vengeful)…

I feel like I’m crossing the line with this post; I don’t want to sound like a non-believer, or a skeptic. I’m just trying to reconcile things that I believe with things that I should believe.

Don’t send me hate messages.

Bobbits & Bits

Ok- I’ll write. I’ve been meaning to anyway. Especially after my last post when I went off on a tangent. I said I had three things to talk about but only got to two of them. No biggie, the third issue wasn’t pressing. I also have 3 things to talk about today too (although as of me writing this I cannot remember what the other two things are…hopefully as time progresses I’ll remember…I know it had something to do with what I saw on another blog…GOT IT! Now I just have to remember the third).

I’m sure everyone has heard that Usher “Papers” song. It goes
something something been through so much drama something something damn near lost my mama…you know what? let me just google the chorus.
Here are the real lyrics:
I done damn near lost my mama, I done been through so much drama
I done turned into the man that I never thought I'd be.

So given the upcoming divorce of him and Tameka, I can only assume that this song is inspired by her. Which leads me to wonder:
What the fuck? Is NOTHING sacred? I mean can we go through a divorce in private?

Now hold on, I understand they way artists get through difficult time in their lives is to express it through whatever medium they…express lol. But there is something so incredibly seedy about airing things to the world that haven’t even occurred yet. So literally he hasn’t even signed those “papers”. I like Usher but he does this A LOT. He makes it so you know exactly who he is talking about…that album where one track after another was about him & Chilli? What was that called confessions?

The issue I took with that album (which I played NON-STOP) was that he basically capitalized on the demise of his relationship with Chilli. It’s already pretty difficult to go through breakup…no? It’s almost like he was rubbing it in. Don’t believe me?
Here are his lyrics from that song Best Thing (his last album…)
Remember mimi or vita, remember isha or eva
I ain't got em no more, hey as for
Niomi or jenny - the same outcome is Chilli- Girl I letem all go.

I rememeber when I heard that song I told my sister that if were Chilli I’d call Usher like:
Nigga. Keep my fucking name out your damn mouth!

Seriously, I think Usher is one of those guys that likes to pour salt on wounds. I jokingly said on facebook that if I was Tameka I would write a tell all book and out Usher. Lol. And I’m only half kidding.
[Coincidently I feel like The Dream did this as well…from what I understand a lot of his songs were about Nivea and even my favorite singer who in my eyes can do no wrong Mariah Carey will go on and on about Tommy Matola…so clearly Usher isn’t the only culprit]

One could argue that all songs start off about someone. We just don’t know who it is…and I cannot deny that is true. But there is something about all this shit that doesn’t sit right with me. I can’t quite put my finger on it…It just seems…WRONG.

Okay. Point two.

I was reading this ladies blog…it’s actually a makeup blog where I guess she writes personal posts too…let me see if I can find it here at work. Dang it I can’t.

Well she had a post about breaking down and how it’s healthy and sometimes completely necessary. She even said something about how when she broke down it didn’t change anything, and afterward she went back to the things she hated (it much better prose than I…I’m gonna update the link because it was an awesome post). After careful consideration, I think that I may not be allowing myself to really feel this “M” thing.

See, everything I’ve been doing is “controlled”. My lists detailing why I hate him. Allowing myself to be mad for 10 minutes. Allowing myself to be hurt for an hour. Etc Etc Etc. All very very controlled. So I wonder if maybe I’m going about this all wrong? How does one not control their emotions…which is a weird question because I know some of my fellow blogettes say they have the exact opposite issue.

But this is different. I mean obviously I can’t force myself to be super duper upset. I mean if the tears and anger wont come then what hell am I to do?

Maybe I’m being too rational??? I hate when this happens to me BTW. I become all I- Robot-ish. Like I don’t understand basic human feelings. GRRRRRR.

I think I treat everything like black letter law. (Black letter law is basic principles that aren’t up for dispute…or something like that). It’s frustrating and really awesome. (Awesome because it’s so black and white).

If someone said: Jade, here are the keys to happiness. If you follow them, you’ll live a happy life. I will follow them. Even if my heart is not completely in it, I will follow it like it’s a freaking recipe.
“Oh, I should go on vacation twice a year?” ok!

It’s like I’m on autopilot. So if the point of me going on vacation is to relax, I’ll recognize that and I will *pretend* to relax (so maybe I wont bring any work related crap). But in my head all I’ll think about is what deadlines need to be met. Negating the whole point of the vacation.

Yuck.

I’ve come to the end and cannot remember the third thing I wanted to talk about. Boooo. Ok. Well maybe next time?

This can't be life...

I can't believe i've been so consistant with my blogging. (Sidenote: please forgive any lazy writing, i'm on my phone and it's too much work to spell shit out and capitalize words...you understand?)

Anyway i have 3 things I want to say. I'll start with the shortest and move on to the longest. First, I'm kinda amped that some of blogdren are back blogging again. I wont call out any names bec it's unnecessary. Some people like to do shit without fanfare...i can dig that.

Second, yesterday I was talking about simpleness. It's still kinda on my mind. You know what I kinda want to know? Are there any married folks who think to themselves: so this is it? This is my life? I want to know the truth. Not the obligatory: I love my hubby/wife baby...I'm happy...I can't imagine life being any other way.

Yo. I hate to admit this but I think I might be a commitaphobe, Not just relationships but everything. I refuse to sign a contract with tmobile even though I've had them for 6 years and have NO plans on switching.

I dont want to be trapped.

So here's the thing. Since I graduated I've always known where I'm at was not where I would be. See? After hs, there was college, after college there was law school. After law school, theres nothing because I'll be DAMNED if I ever set foot in a classroom again! *shakes fist for emphasis*

So, if there is nothing else but life...where the fuck does that leave me? All of a sudden I feel so pressured. Like my time is getting shorter. Not my life, but...my time to play. I feel like a hypocrite because I sent an email admonishing (not really but close) this kid (who is not a fucking kid and it's condesending that I call him that) about trying to do it all before he gets too old when I'm trying to do it too! Just in my sneakier, I know everything way.

I dont want a stable job (even though I get them) I get antsy. I start making up reasons why I hate them.

I dont want kids. If I have one how will I jet set (I use this figuratively) across the world?

I dont want to get married. And stay with LBF....forever???????????? He gets on my nerves sometimes...tho I do love him.

It's so frustrating to be one of those people...the grass is always greener. But u know what my problem is? I wont ever fully hop that fence. I'll just stand there longing to to try it myself, but too scared to give up the security I've managed to carve out for myself.

What the fuck am I going to do?
*****Edit******
The more I think about it, the more serious I realize this is.

We always hear about people who were once drifting and then they found their way. See? That story is a happily ever after. But what about people who just…drift? People who NEVER find their way.

I feel like I am going to be one of those people. But the thing is, I’ll look like I’ve found my way. I will be the epitome of what everyone thinks they want out of life. But I’ll hate it and be tormented by the decisions I’ve made that got me there. And I know this sounds really presumptuous, but it’s true. I’ve worked some what hard to be where I am now. Nothing just falls into my lap.

In otherwords, I will continue to work toward having a life I’m not really sure I want only because there is something inside me that makes me feel like I *should* want it.

I‘ve spoke to Sarah about this and she said I don’t have to want these things blah blah blah.

Ugh.

Then & Now

I just got finished reading the post that I wrote last year (well not *quite* a year ago but you get my point)…this one. And I realized I never told everyone what happened that day. Go figure. Anyway, I’m thinking back, trying to figure out if I’ve learned any lessons. Am I a different person? Am I the same?
What?
What?
What?

Lol.

Ok, well I think I am pretty much the same. Hell, last month M and I were like 8 hours from what happened in that post (no, sex didn’t happen in that post…lol). Lucky for me (?) it didn’t. It’s that occurrence that makes me realize that…I’m still the same. I’m not quite sure if this is a good or bad thing. I like me most of the time. I really do. But for some reason I equate “change” with progress. And since I haven’t changed, I haven’t made progress.

I guess though, I’m not sure exactly what I am trying to progress from.

So you remember that post I wrote earlier in the month? The: That’s just the top layer” one?

Well, sometimes I feel like that’s me. Any differences someone might see is just the top. I’m still Jade-as-hell. (lol. Clever no?)

I feel like I want to live a simpler life. I just want a life where I am happy with all the shit I’ve been blessed with. One where I’m happy with school and the fact that I am going to be a lawyer. Coincidently I’m not sure I want to be a lawyer anymore…I’ll talk more on that some other time. One where I am thrilled with the prospect of being engaged. One where I am looking forward to having kids. One where all my friends aren’t struggling and trying to find who they love. Serious. That’s the kind of life I want to live.

And sometimes ALL of those things are true. I am happy I’m gonna have that Esq. after my name (is that for guy lawyers only?). I am happy that I’ll get to plan a ridiculously elaborate wedding…hell I’ve half picked out a venue. I seen this little baby poke her head out of her stroller and I was like “awwwww I want one of those” (for a fleeting second). And I know my friends wont struggle with their love lives forever.

But you know what keeps playing in my head?
“Can it be that life was oh so simple then…” Who sings that? Are those even the lyrics lol? I googled it and came up with nothing…

Truthfully though. I’m not the simple type. I ask to many questions. I want too much shit. I’m always wondering if there is more.

Grrrrrr! How frustrating.

Ps. Sometimes I feel like I’m loosing my mind. Like do these posts even make sense? Maybe I am loosing it.
Pps. I think my therapist is a lesbian.

Sincere Thanks

Thanks for the comments and emails guys! Really. Yesterday I was kind of at my wits end with this shit and now I feel a bit better. (side note: sometimes I feel like I wish people didn’t tell me stuff because it begins to stress me out and well…consume me?)

I think the hardest thing for me is she is SO far away. Like 1200 miles or so. She really doesn’t have a lot of close friends that will provide her with the emotional support she needs. Most of us left when we graduated, but since she is from there, she stayed. I worry that she gets lonely and that is one of the main *pulls* for her. It’s also why I am always pressuring her to come visit, and lets go on these mini vacations. Just to get her away from there.

We keep in regular contact though so I will continue to do what I am doing.

Still it’s very fucking frustrating.

Very.

I’ve been trying to get her to see a therapist (I was actually kind of convinced to see one by our close friend…) but she wont. She feels that stigma that a lot of people (especially black people) feel. They should be able to get over this without help. I’m still gonna try and convince her.

Did I say how frustrating this was? *checks* Yep.

*sigh*
Did I say thanks already? *checks* Yep. But let me say it again. Thanks.

ps. They don't live together at all. He is still very very married. With no plans to EVER leave his wife. He has made this clear to my friend.

Help.

This post isn’t about me. It’s about a very close friend of mine. I am REALLY worried about her. Like, REALLY worried. It just seems like she’s giving up and letting the chips fall where they may. I mean it’s really down right scary when you think about it. I’m having a little bit of trouble articulating why I think this is so bad…where should I start….

It’s like she doesn’t want to help herself. I keep telling her she has to do “something”….anything really. But it’s like she. Cant. As much as I would like to blame him for all her troubles I think (and it’s likely obvious) that it goes completely beyond him…he’s really just a lowlife taking advantage of something easy. Like a drug dealer. Contrary to what everyone believes they are not the ROOT of the problem, they just facilitate it. People take drugs to get away from pain that they aren’t ready or able to face. She s probably allowing him to treat her that way because on some level she really thinks she deserves it. IDK.

But what I do know is she needs help. And you know it’s my nature to try to and fix things, but I’m pretty sure I can’t fix this. Ok. I know I can’t fix it, but still it’s stressing me out. I’ve told her she could come stay with me for a little while, but deep down I know that wont work because she’d still be miserable. I told her to quit her job and go to school but I’m pretty sure she doesn’t want to do that.
At this point. I just don’t want her to kill her self.
There I said it. Am I being dramatic? I don’t think so.

Alternatively, I thought about writing a letter to this mans wife telling on him. Not sure what that would solve but I figure it would cause enough strife within the household to make him leave her alone for awhile. But then I thought about another close friend who is married and how fucked up it’d be if someone sent her letter like that. Plus they have children. So I scratched that off too.

Then, I thought about telling him that I was going to tell his job that he was having an affair with someone in the same department if he didn’t leave her alone. But I’m pretty sure that might be a form of extortion and it’s probably illegal. Being a future lawyer and all I need to start off on the right track.

After careful consideration, I realized that all of my ideas were about him, and not her. Sure he has an abusive personality. But the problem really does lie with her.

I don’t want to tell her mother because…well her mom is sick and I don’t want to.
I want to talk to another friend about it but she’s really busy and I don’t want to stress her out. Just in case I’m over reacting.
I tried and tried and tried to talk to the friend in question. I’ve shared my story with her. I’ve told her when I went 1000 steps backwards after taking 100 steps forward. But the main difference between her and I was, I couldn’t see myself doing what I was doing forever. It felt wrong. I just didn’t know how to make myself stop.

Her? I’m not sure she wants this to stop. She told me that if she doesn’t see him, then she wont get any attention from anyone, good or bad.
Now if that doesn’t deserve a slap in the face (the “wake the fuck up” kind) I don’t know what does.

This is how I KNOW she needs help. So help me help her.

What can I do?

Leave me a comment or send me an email
Onlyaliljaded (at) gmail (dot) com

Seriously. Help.

pissed.

I'm pretty pissed right now. I've been angry all day at M and like Sarah suggested I've tried to make room for it. But the thing is, it doesn't really help me. Mostly all I can think is how all it does is hurt. I mean what does being angry do? I left being really livid with no one to express it to. I mean isn't that what being angry is about? I know this is an odd question but isn't being angry without the person that your angry at pointless? Like a tree falling and no one being able to hear it. WHO THE HELL CARES?

And now that I am angry and not trying to talk myself out of being angry with logic, I guess I just feel like what is the point? So if I express how angry I am at M. About how I feel like he played with me and my emotions. And really how it's unfair that I feel sad and dare I say miss him, when since I've met him, things have been horrible for me. I'm furious about this entire situation. It's almost like I just want to keep saying over and over it isn't fair. But I'm smart and I KNOW that it isn't fair.

I'm pissed that he mocked me with that stupid “break even” song. WHY would you rub that in my face???????????

What's even worse, I think I am most angry at myself. I feel like this is my fault. Karma. Karma. Karma. KARMA.

That I deserve it.

And maybe I do but that still isn't going to stop me from being angry.

Still the only person who I'm hurting is MYSELF. He's fine. Or so I speculate. But me. I feel like there is turmoil around me and I kinda want to slap the fuck out of someone. Him. I guess. But I can't. So I'll just simmer to myself. Speaking of simmering. I'm like this pot of boiling water. Boiling water is point less. It's just going to evaporate. Wait. IS that what's going to happen to my anger? IS that the point of this? I should ask Sarah.

I don't think I'm doing so well.

If I haven't said it. FUCK M. I would like to type that more times but that seems like over kill. I dont want you all to think I'm losing it. Although I might be. Not really sure.

*************************

AND for my readers...nothing happened, well nothing that would make this, make sense. I know this seems like it's come from left field but it hasn't. These are just residual feelings that I am attempting to work through. No big blow out. Nothing. This is just my life.

On a roll

Since I’m on a roll:

1. I hate “M” a whole lot. Like I’m pretty sure (qualifier) that if he died I wouldn’t go to his funeral. I might (qualifier) send flowers though. Not sure.

2. He’s the biggest fucking liar I have ever met. Who lies like that? Sociopaths.

3. I am enraged that I ever even fell for his bullshit. But then again he’s a liar so it isn’t unusual that I did.

4. I thought I had many more things to type but apparently they all have to do with my disdain for him.

5. For example. I am pissed I wasted that year of my time dealing with such a counterfeit person.

6. I’m pissed I wasted money on seeing him. Do you know how much other stuff that would have equated to for me? Lots.

7. Still mad as fuck about all that damn lying I let him do to me. I am not dumb. I knew he was lying and I just let him.

8. I hate him.

9. He’s a disgusting person.

10. One time. I was walking and my FULL bottle of Snapple fell and broke. He laughed. And at the time it was funny, but now it just pisses me off. What a jerk. Wait it wasn’t funny. I was so mad. I really wanted that Snapple.

11. Seriously, I could have given him everything a million times over and it never would have been enough. He’d just sit there with that stupid bored look on his face.

12. He called me high maintenance. He’s fucking HM.

13. I hate him.

14. Dealing with him made me feel like a fucking imbecile.

15. I FUCKING. HATE. HIM.

16. If I could, I’d erase any contact we’d ever had. Complete waste of my time and effort.

17. Let me say that again. He was a complete WASTE OF MY TIME AND EFFORT.

18. I just want to pretend like I never knew him.

19. If I ever see him and I have a drink in my hand, I am so going to throw it in his face. Because it’s funny. And because he deserves it. Hopefully it’ll be Snapple.

20. I was understanding about EVERY FUCKING THING when I should have just laughed in his face and never bothered with him. Tables turned that’s what he would have done to me.

21. I pissed that I am forced to hate someone. I hate being angry like this. It’s out of my element and it’s ugly so I hate him even more for that.

22. I tried to think of revenge tactics but then I got lazy and started browsing shoes online because that is MUCH more interesting than thinking of him. This happens a lot.

23. Even now, the only reason why I am doing this list is because my therapist said I have to embrace the anger.

24. And because I’m at work and this seems marginally more interesting than working. Only marginally though. That California Rule manual is calling my name.

25. I hate him and his stupid car.

Lol. Now I’m just reaching lol. Let me stop.

Round table

Have I already said how I sometimes hate everyone? *checks* Yeah I did. Like 3 posts ago. Well it’s true but not really. You know what I dislike even more? Self-reflection. It makes me confused. Like, sometimes I think I want to be this really serious person who says things that make people think and uses big words like transcends…is that even a big word? In my mind it was A LOT more letters than that. But then I realize I’m just me. And truthfully, I’m a pretty shallow person. I’m just not deep. I’m too silly to be deep. But then, I think…wait, maybe I am deep and I’m just too lazy to explore that part of myself?

But no. It’s not that.

Which is why I hate self-reflection. Because for me it never really “works”. Things aren’t usually much clearer. I often think that people make situations much harder than they really need to be. They take the easy road because it’s “right there” or they take the “hard one” because they feel like they should struggle…that struggling is like a badge of honor of something. Which I guess it is. I mean isn’t that what everyone says? Joy wouldn’t feel so good if it weren’t for pain, weeping may endure for the night but joy cometh in the morning (hands down my favorite scripture ever and if I wasn’t so worried that I’d hate it 5 years from now I get it tattooed in really small script around my rib cage.) But sometimes I think to myself (usually when thinking about what someone ELSE should do) and I’m like things are not that hard. Just do it. Damn it. But I apply that logic to myself and fuck it turns out. It really is hard.

Not sure if anyone ever noticed this but I never speak in terms of definites and there are always qualifiers tacked on. Everything is always:
“I assume”
“I suppose”
“In general”
“For me”

You want to know why? Because I want to give the appearance of being a fair open minded person accepting of others peoples ideas and thoughts. In real Jade time, I mostly (qualifier) think that I am right. Seriously, I usually (q) believe that I am correct and on the off chance that I am incorrect I will be like: Yes well that’s why I said mostly, or usually. So I seem like I succeeding that I *may* be wrong.

When people don’t use qualifiers on statements that seem to be “general” (ie. people cheat because their SO isn’t taking care of business) I am both impressed with their ability to stand behind something they say and horrified that they’d actually say something so stupid aloud (because really, how the hell do you know why people cheat???).

I wonder if I’m one of those people who stand for nothing and (by default) will fall for anything. I hope not. I really dislike people like that. I’m not easily swayed. Even if you think I am usually I’m pretending. Nodding and smiling. Saying “Well since you put it like that…” but internally I am like “whatevs”

But sometimes people say things to me that DO make me change my mind.

This is why I hate self reflection. Nothing ever makes sense and I’m stuck wondering more about myself than when I started.

I am pretty sure I haven’t said this before because I didn’t want anyone to judge me but….
I hate M.
There. That feels better.